*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
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captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
wait.