Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
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Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)