*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
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snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
All set.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
So sick of all these stupid rules
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal