Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…

*opens The Shining

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

he’ll never suspect a thing

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

bros in the example zone 😭

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

Breaking news:

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend