*puts my mental health in rice
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We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*