*puts my mental health in rice
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Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.