Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.