*puts my mental health in rice
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I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Has science gone too far?
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.