Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
You Might Also Like
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Catercrombie & Fish
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.