Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
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Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.