Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.

Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no