Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

Note to self: I am a note

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat