*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
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“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?