*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
You Might Also Like
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.