[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
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We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.