[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
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Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops