[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
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What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery