@tsm560

*puts on a tuxedo*

I’m here to lodge a formal complaint.

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@Holy_Mowgli

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

@iwearaonesie

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

@thega1nz

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

@notmythirdrodeo

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

@KyleMcDowell86

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

@eminmien

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

@Vhalechark

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

@JJSummertime

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.