[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
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Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Respect
A drum solo but on your face.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*