@Cpt_Burnout

*Puts on apron*

*Places Pop Tarts on plate*

*Removes apron*

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@murrman5

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

@JordanPeele

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

@997omar

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

@writeden

Who called it getting stabbed by a sword and not death metal?

@TheCatWhisprer

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

@BoogTweets

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

@LittleMissAngr1

If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

@onlxn

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die