I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
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Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Always…
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.