@malt_skull

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

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@meganamram

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

@SaltyCorpse

My daughter is one eye roll away from being sold to a traveling circus.

@meganamram

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

@bombsydoll

guy I just met: ‘it’s nice to meet you’
me: ‘I’m tired of your lies’

@wildethingy

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

@daemonic3

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

@Jandalize

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.