*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
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*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
hmmm
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Nothing.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.