*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
You Might Also Like
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
hardest line in real life
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Who needs an Air Fryer?
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here