*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
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I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.