*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
You Might Also Like
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Looking at you, Jesus.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Mapping America’s Far Right
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.