Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when that happens.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

goldfish mafia

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?