*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
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When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys