Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend

Darkness: *rolls eyes*

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence