*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
You Might Also Like
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
life finds a way
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting