*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
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Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.