*puts on mistletoe hat*
*casually walks by you multiple times*

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Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.


*swallows pride*
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
oh no
*swells with pride*


[alternate lobster universe]

lobster king: send them in

[3 nervous humans are brought in by lobster guards]

lobster king: *without hesitation* INTO THE POT


me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”


There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.


The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture


*crawls into bed naked*
*grabs a book*
*sips wine*
This is nice. I wonder whose house this is.


I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.

*more than twice.