Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
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You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works