@kwirkyKerri

*puts on mistletoe hat*
*casually walks by you multiple times*

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@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.

@hippieswordfish

*swallows pride*
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
oh no
*swells with pride*

@lincnotfound

[alternate lobster universe]

lobster king: send them in

[3 nervous humans are brought in by lobster guards]

lobster king: *without hesitation* INTO THE POT

@KeetPotato

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

@JohnLyonTweets

There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.

@AnnaKendrick47

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

@beermanboobs

*crawls into bed naked*
*grabs a book*
*sips wine*
This is nice. I wonder whose house this is.

@yoopnative

I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.

*more than twice.