Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

*mops up wine with cat*

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

Kids: We’re bored!

Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?