*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
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everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.