Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?