Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

Me too door. Me too.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.