*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
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*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.