Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it