And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
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16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Has anybody seen my keys? theyre awesome.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.