*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
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*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Good morning!
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.