*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

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16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’


Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha


Me: oh


[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat


I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.


[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.


The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.


I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.