Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
You Might Also Like
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab