Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

seems fine

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”

“Sir, this is a library.”

*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.

According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.