Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

Son: Your makeup looks weird

Me: I’m not wearing any

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

that’s really how it is

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

Fabio hasn’t aged a day

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.