Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

the three branches of government

I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.