*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
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It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?