*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
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[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I’m having an out of money experience.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
