*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
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“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Today’s Times
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I don’t get marriage
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Inside you there are two wolves
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.