Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

🤣

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.