*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”