*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
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I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR