Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

Ah yes. The three genders

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

is frankincense just very honest incense?

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife