*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
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cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Carpe DM
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow