*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions