Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.