Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

Only short people can save us

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.