*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
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GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.