*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
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Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
doing some research
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
He-man has a Masters degree
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend