[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
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Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
we come into this world naked and screaming, and tbh I’ve spent a lot of the time since then exactly the same way
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark