@nonchalantnacho

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

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@FredTaming

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

@Brentweets

If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.

@ch000ch

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

@dumbbeezie

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

@OneFunnyMummy

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

@dogfather

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

( •_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Just take a day off

@wendchymes

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

@BuckyIsotope

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

@TheMichaelRock

Adult me: I wish I was a kid again.

Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!