*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

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[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad


If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.


me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary


*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough


The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.


Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

( •_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■


Just take a day off


My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .


CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening


Adult me: I wish I was a kid again.

Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!