@nonchalantnacho

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

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@andlikelaura

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

@Aikiwomannc

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

@Robert_Beau

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

@TheDjinnTrials

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

@rclyne02

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

@perlhack

we come into this world naked and screaming, and tbh I’ve spent a lot of the time since then exactly the same way

@SteveKoehler22

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

@5hael

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark