@nonchalantnacho

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

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@sad_tree

*paramedic holds me as a I lay dying*
ME: Tell my family.. all I ever wanted..was a robot butler
PM: With a top hat?
ME: Of course you idiot

@MunkMania

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

@ThePawfessor

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

@_NTFG_

COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”

@mattgallo123

Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.

@SadMeterologist

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

@JimmerThatisAll

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

@radtoria

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

@rebrafsim

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

@SarahArcherM

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet