[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
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If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
Just take a day off
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Adult me: I wish I was a kid again.
Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!
So true for me