*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
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these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
do what now??
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.