*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

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[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder


Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.


The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga


Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.


They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update


we come into this world naked and screaming, and tbh I’ve spent a lot of the time since then exactly the same way


No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.


My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark