*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
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statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!