Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yup.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

There’s only one good girl here!

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

How’s adulting going for me today u ask?

Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage