*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
You Might Also Like
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.