*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
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[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*