Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

Writing, She Murdered.

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.