*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
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God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
