Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

What woman say right before they kill you:

Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute