[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
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the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops