Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Europe. Made in Germany.

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.