*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
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[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.