*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
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me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.