Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.