*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
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*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials