HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.