@ruinedpicnic

[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid

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@imadepoopstoday

I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.

@IchBin_Rob

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

@Parkerlawyer

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

@GrantTanaka

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

@rebrafsim

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then

@TheTweetOfGod

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

@McGrumpenstein

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

@5tevieM

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

@Parkerlawyer

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side