[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid

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I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.


Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.


My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.


wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together


[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then


The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.


Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.


the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together


Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”


her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side