*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
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Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.