Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

ugh not again

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian