*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Feels
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
I did not eat the cake…
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??