*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
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LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Anyone really
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”